It doesn't take a team of geniuses to work out that it will be a long, hot summer for German police, who are controlling the hooligans at World Cup 2006. It does, however, require 423 Members of European Parliament to come up with the novel idea of cutting the sound and colour during televised World Cup matches, so that viewers won't be offended by racist activities.
This will probably be just as effective as the threat of jail for anyone who imitates Basil Fawlty. Home Secretary Charles Clarke has warned that hooliganism is no laughing matter, but why do our officials think that colour TV is to blame? Racism and hooliganism are always ugly, whether in black and white or colour.
As the last World Cup in Japan and Korea proved, distance and a high cost of living proved to be the most effective deterrents to hooliganism. Unfortunately for Germany, it is easily reached by any number of low-budget airlines. It also has a healthy - and longstanding - hooligan tradition of its own and enough cheap beer to fuel countless riots.
But tourist dollars are important to a country that is experiencing some serious economic turbulence, so raising the prices is not an option. Money is why Germany lobbied hard to beat South Africa in the World Cup stakes.
However, money can't buy love or happiness (as Jose Mourinho knows) and I fear the Germans will find precious little of it amongst this summer's drunken football fans.
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